It is greatly to be hoped that Hitch has not suffered any major damage as a result of his set-to with the SSNP supporters in Beirut. Who would have thought it, fisticuffs at his age? We may never know what actually happened to this English hooligan abroad—indeed, we can already see the story morphing into a full-blown myth—and as time goes by we can expect the movie version to go something like this.
At the dead of night in a dark alley in the kasbah, a dozen Syrian skinhead Social Nationalist National Socialist thugs ambush the Hitch with the aim of stealing his wallet and his mobile phone. But the sprightly old boy is much fitter than they bargained for, having recently been totally rebuilt as Vanity Fair's very own Six Million Dollar Man.
After taking on th entire bunch with his bear hands and leaving ten of the men sprawled across the pavement—their blood on his hands and forehead—the Hitch picks up his pith hat to find himself on the wrong end of the barrel of a Kalashnikov. Prepared for the worst, he stares cooly into the crazed hate-filled eyes of the meanest Arab, sorry! Muslim, no, please pardon me! Islamofacist SOB you ever did see. With a hyena-like laugh, the sinister levantine squeezes the trigger and empties the entire magazine into the Hitch's chest. But amazingly, each bullet disappears with a dull thud leaving the man still standing upright!
Unable to believe his eyes, the Oriental fiend drops the gun and stands frozen with mouth agape, revealing a hideous mess of gold and black teeth and Syrian dental work. At this point, the Hitch reaches inside his trusty white jacket and pulls out a dog-eared yellow volume bearing about 50 bullet holes and the words "god is not Great". Miraculously, the athiest tome has done what no Bible or Koran ever could. It has shielded its author from a hail of bullets that would otherwise have meant certain death.
Witnessing the miracle, the entire group of Syrians bow before the Hitch and pledge to become his faithful followers. They later convert the entire Middle East to atheism and end all restrictions on bar opening hours—but that's another story. Meanwhile, the Hitch emerges from the episode shaken but not stirred.
“The enemies of intolerance cannot be tolerant." • "If it is an offense to justice to hold people who may have been victims of mistaken identity or of vendettas by other factions, then it is also an offense to justice to release psychopathic killers who believe that they have divine permission to throw acid in the faces of girls who want to attend school." • "Don't be such a lesbian!
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